I, the penis, request a pay raise due to the following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work @ great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything i do.
4. I work weekends & holidays.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in dark areas w/ poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. & My work exposes me to disease.

Dear penis, Your request has been denied for the following reasons:
1. You don't work 8 hrs straight.
2. You work in short spurts & fall asleep after each brief work period.
3. You don't stay in your designated area, & are frequently found in other locations.
4. You don't take initiative & must be stimulated to start working.
5. You leave your work place messy at the end of your shift.
6. You are unable to work overtime or double shifts.
7. You sometimes leave your designated work area before completing the as signed task.
8. You have constantly been seen entering & exiting the work place with two suspicious bags.